This is certainly a more vulnerable blog for me to write. Honestly, I wouldn’t be writing it if it wasn’t something that I was thinking and asking myself a lot recently. I know the right answers to the questions I’m asking, but do I REALLY know? I guess we’ll find out in whatever comes out in my writings this week :-)
I’m a new wife, new missionary (to-be as I haven’t lived on the field yet) and definitely living a new life. Transition has been…my life for well over a year now. I counted up how many beds I’ve slept in in the past 18 months the other night when I couldn’t sleep. 42 to be exact. I just recounted for verification because the number seemed a little high even though I lived it! Through the different beds, I’ve often found sleep and sometimes found insomnia ha! Some beds were your basic hotel room, one was in the rainforest of Madagascar, and only 5 were in places I’d consider my residency and that’s because I’ve moved 6 times in that duration. Beds haven’t been the only new things I’ve encountered in this time and I’ve certainly been on my toes, edge of my seat, or whatever phrase you see fitting. During this time of adjusting to marriage while having some health issues, a car accident, and a random assortment of travel, I’ve tried to grab ahold of things that are stable. Sometimes this draws me to a healthy place like the word of God. Other times, it draws me to ask Google a bizillion questions (If only I had a dollar for every time…) or search around on Facebook. Now I’m grateful for Google and Facebook and I certainly will be more so I’m sure when I do land myself overseas, but they aren’t my source. It’s great to ask Google to look up addresses and answer my ever seeking question, but am I trying to fill a void of not asking the right source deep questions I have? Is my sometimes very strong desire for relationships and connecting with people face to face or on Facebook a sign that there’s a void in relationship with the One who can fill me?
These are merely questions I am asking. I’m not condemning myself for using the technology available to me and again I’m extremely thankful for them. It’s just that sometimes, if I slow down long enough to listen, I hear my heart crying out for more. I find myself in the midst of transitions asking, “Is God enough?”. In my spirit I know the truth, however my soul which is composed of my mind, will and emotions say otherwise. It’s one thing to know truth, it’s another thing to apply it. And amen for preaching to the choir ;-) It’s true though. It’s not that I even want what so and so has or do what so and so is doing. It’s just in moments, I am unsatisfied and it’s a testing place to ask myself if He really is enough. If He is enough, then why am I unhappy at times? If He is enough then why am I complaining? If there is fullness in Him, then why do feelings of envy and covetousness come up in my heart? If He is enough why is sickness present in my body?
I do know that He has been enough until this point in my life. David said in Psalm 37:25, “I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread.” I’ve never begged for bread. Of course, not eating wheat and most grains now, I probably wouldn’t ask for bread anyways ;-) The point being once I said yes to this life giving, love sacrificing God, His Son Jesus and Holy Spirit, I’ve never lacked any good or necessary thing. They have been my source, my fulfillment and my delight, so long as my spirit seeks these things first. The moment my emotions and my ever so independent will take over, the ball is in my court. The downward spiral begins and my only rock and source of strength is to hit reset on my soul and let my spirit connect with it’s source of life again.
So is God really enough? Or do I need other things and people to fill me? If I lost everything, would He be enough? Am I that fulfilled in Him that I could let go of every desire I have and follow Him? Do I trust Him enough to leave my dreams in His hands and let Him refine me and give me His purified intended dreams?
The short and not simple by any means answer is yes He is enough. The questions I’m asking myself and encourage you to ask yourself this week are; 1. Am I truly content with Him being enough? 2. When/ if ever did I stop positioning myself to believe He is enough? 3. What else am I seeking fulfillment in? 4. And can those desires be met in Him?
Later in the week on Wednesday and Friday, we’ll explore what makes us desire fulfillment in other things and if we really can be satisfied in God alone. XO!